family life.....

I hope these past few days have not been a downer for those who are reading this, but it has actually felt good "speaking" about a few things on my mind, or buried a bit before Morgan brought them to light. Sorry, but this one probably won't bring many chuckles either.

As I said yesterday, I can't remember much of a family life, or family times, growing up, but I did have a good childhood with friends in good numbers. I should note that I can remember the three getaways my father, brother and I did growing up after my parents divorced. One was in 1980 up to Cooperstown for the Baseball Hall of Fame and then over to Hershey Park and Amish Country, then in 1981 & 1982 we went up to a lake on the Maine/Canada boarder and did lake fishing. I can remember those pretty well.

Now some might say that I am nitpicking here, as I did have good times with my father, and yes I did, on three vacation trips, and overall I had a good relationship with him through those very testing teenage years. I miss him dearly, and wonder what we would be doing now, or the relationship he would now be having with Cassie. That is not what I am talking or thinking about. I am talking & thinking about the "normal" life that I should have had, but for some reason my parents (and my mother in particular) did not allow us to have.

I grew up with beatings, and fear, from a mother who was too tired to ever get out of bed to make my brother or I breakfast in the morning (the only time I received breakfast from my mother was the morning of Morgan & my wedding day). From kindergarten forward, I sent myself off to school. Woke myself up, got dressed, made my own breakfast and then went on my way (I also went to all after school activities that way, whether it be Little League, etc., until dad would show up, if time permitted, after he worked). Dad would always put out a cereal bowl, and our vitamin before he left for work. One morning the house diagonally across from us had some of its greenhouses catch on fire. My mother slept through it, and I, as a five or six year old would, went and spoke with the firemen on my way to school. When I got home, I caught "heck" for not telling her about the fires. My response was that we were not supposed to wake her up, and knew what would happen if we did. That did not go so well.

Only later in life did I find out this "dark" side came from the fact that she grew up in the same situation. It did not make me feel better, and actually always makes me wonder why in the world did she not try to change the situation with us. I don't want to make my mother sound like a monster, but when these are the only times that ring in my head concerning growing up, it makes me think.

I have never in my life figured out my mother's go to bed at 4am, sleep away the time you should be with your children pattern. I guess it was somewhat easy because once we got home from school there was a list of chores that needed to be done. Dusting, vacuuming and other cleaning were usually it, and my brother and I knew it all had to be done (spotlessly), so that part was taken care for her. This "sleep pattern" still goes on today, except today she just blames it on one of the ailments that she has. Ugh!

I know, and I pray, that I am in no ways like that with Cassie. Yes, I do yell, and I do get furious, but I also feel bad about it, and pray about it afterwards. I need to get the anger out of the equation, and I am trying, and with Morgan's help, somewhat succeeding. It is a slow journey, but I hope to make it.

The other part I do not worry about, and that is the lack of being there for her. Now, she gets her own breakfast (unless she wants eggs cooked), and does all of it on her own, but she never has to do any of it alone. I am up each morning to make sure everything is ready for her, but she does it on her own. Morgan is there to pick her up from school, and depending on schedules, one of us is always available for her to get her to any activity, and stay for it if she wants us to (that does not happen much anymore).

All this leads me back to the beginning, and liking my family together at most times, and in our home. I did not enjoy my family home. There are no good memories that I want to revisit. Well, now as an adult, I like home, and I want to be there with my two most important people around me most of the time. So homebody for me it is.

Also, I guess in the end, I might really want that for Cassie. Not staying home all times of the day, but I want her to like to be, or want to be home. I want her to remember getting her mother's pancakes or dad's eggs in the morning, homework help in the afternoons, dinners together in the evenings (though that is getting harder), and some playtime / relaxation time at nighttime. And I want her to want to be with her parents (no matter how embarrassing we become). Throw in the weekend events or quick days away together, and it sounds good to me, and I would hope good to her.

There is nothing wrong with being home. People did it, and stayed their all the time in the "good ol' days". Now, some people make it seem that it is wrong, and you need to be "out and about". For a short time, yes, but for a real good time, for me, nothing beats my home and family together.

This may (no maybe, it was) have been a ton of rambling, and I did seem to be all over the place these last few posts, but I actually feel a bit better. A bit, but not a lot, as this actually made me stop and look back at some of the stuff I was trying to forget, but actually could not. It is how I deal and adjust going forward that will be the important part of all of this. And honestly, looking back at some of this, has me just shaking my head.

Well, enough of this. Fun stuff like my normal life, politics, and the world around us in upcoming posts. Thanks for reading (if you still are).

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Until the next time.....